"The Childe...More restless than the swallow in the skies..." -Lord Byron, Childe Harold's Pilgrimage

Sunday, October 24, 2010

The Best of Facebook Status Updates

Earlier this year I finally signed up for Facebook. I was a latecomer. And I'm proud of that fact. In any case, upon joining Facebook, I soon discovered the joy of posting Status Updates. These are short posts detailing where you are, what you are doing, and how these facts expose the idiocy of people with opposing viewpoints.

Below is a sampling of my Status Updates since joining Facebook. At their best, these are profound slices of my life--pure distillations of existence marked by wit and frankness. At worst, they serve as a troubling indication that--thanks to the Internet--my social life now resembles a trite and rather mundane knock-off of an Oscar Wilde play. I share them for your enjoyment, and with the deep and abiding hope that you will leave comments, thus adding to the attention these have already gotten me on Facebook.

And now, in no particular order, I give you the best of Childe Jake's Status Updates. For added fun, guess which of these successfully caused one of my friends to choke on her coffee:
  • From my window side table in the coffee shop I spy a cat on a window sill for whom Sunday morning is all about monitoring the birds fluttering about a nearby tree. And I thought I looked serious sitting here reading Milton.
  • Suddenly, I find myself filled with a deep desire to drop everything and go watch "Bill Cosby: Himself."
  • Dictionary.com turned off the comment option on their Word of the Day post. That is so lugubrious.
  • Stupid Culinary Trick: By combining mayo, pepperoni and sharp cheddar, you can create a sandwich that tastes exactly like the Chef Boyardee you didn't bring to work because you weren't in the mood for it.
  • I'm pretty sure I'm witnessing the squirrel equivalent of Fight Club on my neighbor's lawn. (Wait, am I not supposed to talk about this?)
  • "Oops! I did it again. I played with your heart. Got lost in the game. Oh, baby, bab..." Okay, I fell asleep last night listening to NPR Classical. Would somebody please explain how I woke up with that song stuck in my head?
  • My toe itches.
  • While grocery shopping I was annoyed to see Sports Illustrated's new "Swimsuit Issue" for sale. It's tacky, monopolizes shelf space better reserved for legitimate journalistic publications. Plus, it totally threw off my grocery budget.
  • A turtle charged me on the hiking trail today, which caused me great reflection while he was doing it.
  • Nephew says impatiently, "Why can't all cars go 70 mph?" Uncle replies coolly, "One day when you are a 70-year-old woman you will understand."
  • So much for saying it only happens in the movies. I sat on a bench and a bird pooped on my shoulder. Didn't get a good look to see what kind of bird, but I'm pretty sure it was a vegetarian.
  • Just finished munching on an Asiago Cheese demi-loaf. That leaves about 10 more minutes open for anyone who needs something, has ever wanted to catch me in a life-affirming mood, or just feels chatty.
  • Frick! The library just sent me a notice saying I have to return Kate Beckinsale...I mean Underworld.
  • If those darn scientists dare disprove the existence of Triceratops (my favorite dinosaur) I swear I'm gonna...I'm...I'll move to Canada!

4 comments:

  1. LOL
    I feel fully updated on Jake as seen on Facebook. :)

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  2. Here is the sick thing. Now I evaluate many moments of my day based primarily on their potential as good status updates. This can't be healthy. I think I should wean myself by spending more time on Goodreads.com.

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  3. "While grocery shopping I was annoyed to see Sports Illustrated's new "Swimsuit Issue" for sale. It's tacky, monopolizes shelf space better reserved for legitimate journalistic publications. Plus, it totally threw off my grocery budget."

    This one is my favorite!

    "Frick! The library just sent me a notice saying I have to return Kate Beckinsale...I mean Underworld."

    Hmmm, Kate Beckinsale! Hot chick in a vampire movie. Does it get any better? I submit that it cannot!

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  4. Yay! I've now scored two comments by doing the blogging equivalent of a rerun. Thanks for the positive feedback, Justin. Sorry for not getting back to your e-mail request yet. I will try to do better/faster. Still, I suppose it's appropriate for me to confess upfront to everyone what a lousy pen pal I can be.

    ReplyDelete