"The Childe...More restless than the swallow in the skies..." -Lord Byron, Childe Harold's Pilgrimage

Saturday, April 9, 2011

Partial Shutdown of Childe Jake's Weekend

From the Associative Press

Childe Jake enacted a partial shutdown of his weekend after the right and left sides of his brain failed to reach a budget deal by Friday at 5pm. Essential services remain up and running, including heating frozen pizza and viewing a copy of The Last Picture Show borrowed from the library. However, Jake's social life has already begun to suffer. For the duration of the shutdown, he is restricted from sending tweets to the three "real" Kate Beckinsales he follows.

At a press conference, the Childe had this to say:
“I regret that internal disputes over discretionary spending have caused a partial shutdown of my weekend. Nevertheless, all facets of my soul can take heart that the microwave, freezer, computer and toilet continue to operate normally.”
Asked to clarify if other hygiene services would be affected, Jake indicated showering would proceed at a delayed rate. Dishwashing, which has always been sporadic, will only occur in the event of a spoon outage.

Jake’s left brain had been optimistic about reaching a compromise that would have capped weekend spending at $33. However, negotiations broke down when the right side of Jake’s brain attached a morality rider to a proposed stopgap cash withdrawal of $20. The rider basically stated that Kate Beckinsale fantasies are naughty and should be offset with reruns of Touched by an Angel. Jake balked.

“Folks, this is a checkbook issue. What does discontinuing a highly elegant fantasy set in the forest near a waterfall have to do with whether I buy DiGiorno or settle for the Totino's that's already in the freezer?”
UPDATE: An agreement was reached earlier today as Jake listened to a particularly mirthful segment of Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me! on Michigan Radio. Funding will continue through Sunday night, at which time Jake is set to begin debating a purchase of Ben & Jerry’s ice cream to take his mind off the coming week. Though both sides are applauding this new accord, Jake’s cynical aspect made a pointed statement while appearing on the bathroom mirror earlier today:

“Get real. Shutdowns only affect the checking account. Jake's governing tendencies retain full access to the credit card whether the dishes get done or not. Now if you’ll excuse Kate and me...”

AND ON A FINAL NOTE OF SINCERITY:

I’ll believe it next Friday.

1 comment:

  1. What a great post! Man, I wish I could write like this.

    ReplyDelete